2 Year Agreement (with myself)

To any of you, if there are any, who missed my writing, I'm sorry it has been so long since my last post. Since then, I've had semester finals, a move back home for a brief summer, and a jump right back into hectic work weeks and friend-filled weekends. That leaves little time for blogging but, with the conclusion of a rather significant period of time ending soon, I felt it was necessary to devote a bit of time to it.

Two years ago, give or take a day (take one), I ended my last high school relationship. After a bit of time, I realized that almost the entire two years previous (50% of high school!!), I had been in a dating relationship of some type. There was a lot of good things to come from those two years, and I certainly learned things from them that I could have obtained in no other way.  But I decided that the next two years of my life were going to be drastically different than the previous ones and that college was going to entail a much different outlook than high school. As a result, I formed a sort of 2-year pact with myself that I was going to remain single and devote those years to myself, to my education, to experiencing life, and to do all of this while not being restricted in any form by a relationship. (Disclaimer!!!: I know that not all relationships are chains and whips. But, if I were to truly care about someone, I would want to treat them properly and give them the time they deserve. And that necessarily takes time away from other things that were to go on in those first couple of years in college.)

Well believe it or not (believe it), that pact will come into completion tomorrow, June 1st. That is correct. Two years have passed and I have remained 100% single for the entire two years.

In retrospect, quite a lot has resulted from my decision, most, if not all, of it for the better. As of right now, I can only see good stemming from it. Who knows, that could change. I do know there was a (now) noticeable psychological effect on me. It was something that I didn't fully discover until a few days ago, but I fully believe it was there the whole time. However, it seems to not have caused a problem.  Luckily I was able to see it and begin working against it. 

So I guess one thing I can offer to anyone who would consider making a resolution of any type, is try to recognize what it would actually create within you. Try to see how a given resolution would affect your mind and your outlook on the world and those around you. A noble goal may create some unforeseen stepping stones along the way that may not be so good to have in your possession. 

Where do I go from here? Who knows... (actually I might). Regardless, I step forward into a new period of my life, using all the information I've gained from the past two years, taking on new things as they come, and experiencing life all along the way... with whomever may be experiencing it there with me.

         .....ladies.

Last day in April

Well I am officially done with all my classes for the Spring semester of my sophomore year. Consequently, I decided this would be a good time to post a blog before I begin the studying process. Two tests (non-comprehensive) on Monday. Latin test Tuesday. Paper Wednesday. Paper Friday. I'm glad my week fell into place like it did; it could certainly be worse.

Yesterday something happened to me that has never happened before. Little things built up and a few key events occurred back-to-back that tipped it off. I won't deal with specifics (I don't feel this is the appropriate venue for such conversation) but I would gladly discuss it with anyone that desires to know more.

It only lasted about 3 hours. For that, I am thankful. Others have certainly experienced longer bouts of this than that. I suppose you could call it a mood or perhaps a disposition. There were no dangerous thoughts or anything along those lines. In short, it involved a great deal of foundational introspection and radical thinking/questioning. But like I said, I don't wish to discuss anything more than this on here.

I do want to talk about what brought me back. There were three things.

1) A good friend. I'm not much for sentimental *explicative*. However, in this situation, the "ear-to-listen" that this friend embodied certainly was and still is appreciated. More than that, this friend pointed me to the things that matter in this life, the things that truly matter. All it took was directing me toward a picture, toward a memory captured, toward a history of a friendship, wrapped up into a plainly framed moment. Simple, yet shining brightly.

2) music. I'm not sure I will ever have the first clue as to how music is able to affect me the way it does. I have always been fond of music. Over the past 3 years, I have grown to love it though and as a result, it has become a part of who I am. But last night, music had an even more meaningful impact on my life/personality/thoughts. It motivated me. It kicked me in gear. It grabbed me, and pushed me forward.

3) philosophy :) Did you really think I could discuss this post without bring philosophy into it? There are pros and cons to philosophy [enter the audience's gasps of shock here]. As much as I would like to say that it is always good, it does have its drawbacks. I personally tend to equate it with and define it as "the questioning spirit" (that is just my view). And similar to the questioning spirit, where you are led can be disheartening and unfulfilling. You can either not find an answer, which can, but shouldn't always, be troubling, or you may not be comforted by the answer that is your result. Either way, the result of philosophy/"the questioning spirit" can be scary and very real.

But how did it help me on the last day of April? Well it wasn't a general aspect of philosophy but rather a specific thought (One huge upside to philosophy is the reality that pretty much everything ever has a philosophy and has been discussed intelligently, or perhaps not so, by someone somewhere). Last night I recalled a quote by Richard Comstock. He said, "If a person were to believe that the cosmos is moral, then one would attempt to behave morally, and thus [help] confirm their thesis." This was an example of a "truth requiring antecedent belief", which I  actually critiqued James' use of them in my paper, but in this instance, I agree wholeheartedly.

To conclude this rather lengthy post, I'll state the thought in my own words: "If you believe the world to be moral, you first must act accordingly." Ponder that piece of prose people!